I come from a long line of deeply christian people. Literally some of the first Puritans to come to America were my ancestors. Just yesterday, I was trying to get a sense of how I come across and a person asked me if I was religious due to my general demeanor- golden hair, near glowing blue eyes, fair skin, and some kind of aura that radiates “I memorized bible verses for fun as a child.”

Given this, I think some may find it surprising that when my SF bay girlfriends said they were going to host “Slutcon” that I jumped on the opportunity to participate. I’ve felt hesitant to share that I’m associated with an event using “slut” in the name- fears about people in my professional network shunning me, my family finding out and thinking I’ve gone off the deep end, or potential future partners writing me off.

Over the past year or so, the organizers of this event, a little slice of bay poly culture, have grown to be people I deeply admire and am really grateful to be building friendships with. Part of my writing is an attempt to do the thing that I admire in them which I’ll try to name.

Something that I don’t think people could possibly know until they experience an event like this is how wholesome and considerate this group of organizers is on the whole. The content seems to confuse a lot of people, as I read comment after comment on twitter of folks unwilling to suspend some cluster of beliefs related to the correlation of pro-sex and being an evil or an STI riddled person. It’s just not true. And I get it– some group somewhere in the world may have these afflictions but it’s not here in bay poly culture, and it’s not at SlutCon.

Instead, there is careful planning: imagining what would bring 120 men delight while also honoring the desires and boundaries of the 60 volunteer women. There’s next-level consideration: from serving allergy-conscious food to building support systems for anyone who’s found themselves past an emotional limit. There is an unmatched openness to feedback: if something goes awry the organizers want to hear about it, there’s a true desire to build better.

A quick vignette on that for those in my circles that are not familiar- there’s a general culture in the bay of graciously seeking out and receiving feedback. This isn’t like a passive survey your company may send out to get feedback- there are people here with open personal feedback forms soliciting anonymous feedback. And beyond feedback, there is a culture of accountability to feedback. Across various events or social groups, it is common to see detailed accounts of any instances of misconduct- who was involved, what happened, how the organizers failed, what steps are being taken to prevent future occurrences, and the steps being taken with those involved. This is so common that it’s easy to release shame about having done something bad and instead feel motivated to do better.

Above all, when I’m around the men and women of this community, I feel deeply connected to an ethos that believes good exists in all beings, that there is too much misplaced societal shame, and we should create spaces that cultivate deeper looking, that teach us to love one another better, to find more joy in connection, and yeah- to feel maximum pleasure where it’s available. I see this group as brave, and Aella is definitely a figurehead, putting her authentic self out for all to see, and it’s true of her friends too.

What I admire most about this group is how they radiate some combination of authenticity mixed with ethos driven by desire to do good AND, despite how risky the content makes it to, they step forward. Being around them, I feel more whole myself and I’m inspired to drink the metaphorical kool-aid.

I’m grateful to be inspired by witnessing their joy and freedom, their pleasure-filled faces after a super-hot make out session at the event they made happen. I’m proud to be affiliated with their creation even if someone wants to call me a slut as a slur.

I loved the event, in all it’s contradiction, vulnerability, wholesomeness.

Stay tuned for more reflections including:

The surprising data on men not completing their boob-touching homework
My soapbox of “contrived spaces” and how to experience realness everywhere
Feeling heartbreak while flirting
And… The inaugural Strip Circling (™) experience that had people beating down the door to get in

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