gender studies

If You Can't Make Peace With Your Partner, How Can You Expect to Make Peace in the World? AMA with Annie Lalla

Incorruptible Organizations AMA with Eric Ries. Wednesday 2/4 at 3:00 PM CT

Lean Startup author who now focuses on legal structures to protect mission-driven organizations from corruption. incorruptible.co

Free book giveaway! Register here.

Incorruptible Organizations AMA with Eric Ries. Wednesday 2/4 at 3:00 PM CT

Lean Startup author who now focuses on legal structures to protect mission-driven organizations from corruption. incorruptible.co

Free book giveaway! Register here.

Incorruptible Organizations AMA with Eric Ries. Wednesday 2/4 at 3:00 PM CT

Lean Startup author who now focuses on legal structures to protect mission-driven organizations from corruption. incorruptible.co

Free book giveaway! Register here.

Incorruptible Organizations AMA with Eric Ries. Wednesday 2/4 at 3:00 PM CT

Lean Startup author who now focuses on legal structures to protect mission-driven organizations from corruption. incorruptible.co

Free book giveaway! Register here.

AMA with Jordan Myska Allen. Wednesday 2/4 at 12:30pm CST

Founder and CEO of UpTrust, founder of Relatefulness... solving seemingly impossible social problems and having fun doing it

#heywait 

AMA with Jordan Myska Allen. Wednesday 2/4 at 12:30pm CST

Founder and CEO of UpTrust, founder of Relatefulness... solving seemingly impossible social problems and having fun doing it

#heywait 

Who's read Too Like the Lightning / Seven Surrenders? I just finished both and would love to talk about the ideas. eg:

• the vision of partial utopia
• the kinkiness of metaphysics
• all the stuff about gender
• forgiveness
• views on war and its inevitability
• some of the specific religious/metaphysic ideas

I found it extremely good, compelling, unique, visionary, and very weird. Sometimes hard to read, or frustrating, but that was clearly on purpose and I respect these choices and their uniqueness is I think incredibly well executed. I felt a lot of things reading it at different times, especially when (no spoiler) we learn a little more about the narrator's history. I'm confident the ideas will stick with me and inform and inspire and warn me for years to come, and I'm excited to read the rest of the series.

SlutCon- Inspiration to bravely step forward. I come from a long line of deeply christian people. Literally some of the first Puritans to come to America were my ancestors. Just yesterday, I was trying to get a sense of how I come across and a person asked me if I was religious due to my general demeanor- golden hair, near glowing blue eyes, fair skin, and some kind of aura that radiates “I memorized bible verses for fun as a child.”

Given this, I think some may find it surprising that when my SF bay girlfriends said they were going to host “Slutcon” that I jumped on the opportunity to participate. I’ve felt hesitant to share that I’m associated with an event using “slut” in the name- fears about people in my professional network shunning me, my family finding out and thinking I’ve gone off the deep end, or potential future partners writing me off. 

Over the past year or so, the organizers of this event, a little slice of bay poly culture, have grown to be people I deeply admire and am really grateful to be building friendships with. Part of my writing is an attempt to do the thing that I admire in them which I’ll try to name.

Something that I don’t think people could possibly know until they experience an event like this is how wholesome and considerate this group of organizers is on the whole. The content seems to confuse a lot of people, as I read comment after comment on twitter of folks unwilling to suspend some cluster of beliefs related to the correlation of pro-sex and being an evil or an STI riddled person. It’s just not true. And I get it– some group somewhere in the world may have these afflictions but it’s not here in bay poly culture, and it’s not at SlutCon.

Instead, there is careful planning: imagining what would bring 120 men delight while also honoring the desires and boundaries of the 60 volunteer women. There’s next-level consideration: from serving allergy-conscious food to building support systems for anyone who’s found themselves past an emotional limit. There is an unmatched openness to feedback: if something goes awry the organizers want to hear about it, there’s a true desire to build better. 

A quick vignette on that for those in my circles that are not familiar- there’s a general culture in the bay of graciously seeking out and receiving feedback. This isn’t like a passive survey your company may send out to get feedback- there are people here with open personal feedback forms soliciting anonymous feedback. And beyond feedback, there is a culture of accountability to feedback. Across various events or social groups, it is common to see detailed accounts of any instances of misconduct- who was involved, what happened, how the organizers failed, what steps are being taken to prevent future occurrences, and the steps being taken with those involved. This is so common that it’s easy to release shame about having done something bad and instead feel motivated to do better. 

Above all, when I’m around the men and women of this community, I feel deeply connected to an ethos that believes good exists in all beings, that there is too much misplaced societal shame, and we should create spaces that cultivate deeper looking, that teach us to love one another better, to find more joy in connection, and yeah- to feel maximum pleasure where it’s available. I see this group as brave, and Aella is definitely a figurehead, putting her authentic self out for all to see, and it’s true of her friends too. 

What I admire most about this group is how they radiate some combination of authenticity mixed with ethos driven by desire to do good AND, despite how risky the content makes it to, they step forward. Being around them, I feel more whole myself and I’m inspired to drink the metaphorical kool-aid.

I’m grateful to be inspired by witnessing their joy and freedom, their pleasure-filled faces after a super-hot make out session at the event they made happen. I’m proud to be affiliated with their creation even if someone wants to call me a slut as a slur. 

I loved the event, in all it’s contradiction, vulnerability, wholesomeness. 

Stay tuned for more reflections including:

• The surprising data on men not completing their boob-touching homework

• My soapbox of “contrived spaces” and how to experience realness everywhere

• Feeling heartbreak while flirting 

• And… The inaugural Strip Circling (™) experience that had people beating down the door to get in

SlutCon- Inspiration to bravely step forward. I come from a long line of deeply christian people. Literally some of the first Puritans to come to America were my ancestors. Just yesterday, I was trying to get a sense of how I come across and a person asked me if I was religious due to my general demeanor- golden hair, near glowing blue eyes, fair skin, and some kind of aura that radiates “I memorized bible verses for fun as a child.”

Given this, I think some may find it surprising that when my SF bay girlfriends said they were going to host “Slutcon” that I jumped on the opportunity to participate. I’ve felt hesitant to share that I’m associated with an event using “slut” in the name- fears about people in my professional network shunning me, my family finding out and thinking I’ve gone off the deep end, or potential future partners writing me off. 

Over the past year or so, the organizers of this event, a little slice of bay poly culture, have grown to be people I deeply admire and am really grateful to be building friendships with. Part of my writing is an attempt to do the thing that I admire in them which I’ll try to name.

Something that I don’t think people could possibly know until they experience an event like this is how wholesome and considerate this group of organizers is on the whole. The content seems to confuse a lot of people, as I read comment after comment on twitter of folks unwilling to suspend some cluster of beliefs related to the correlation of pro-sex and being an evil or an STI riddled person. It’s just not true. And I get it– some group somewhere in the world may have these afflictions but it’s not here in bay poly culture, and it’s not at SlutCon.

Instead, there is careful planning: imagining what would bring 120 men delight while also honoring the desires and boundaries of the 60 volunteer women. There’s next-level consideration: from serving allergy-conscious food to building support systems for anyone who’s found themselves past an emotional limit. There is an unmatched openness to feedback: if something goes awry the organizers want to hear about it, there’s a true desire to build better. 

A quick vignette on that for those in my circles that are not familiar- there’s a general culture in the bay of graciously seeking out and receiving feedback. This isn’t like a passive survey your company may send out to get feedback- there are people here with open personal feedback forms soliciting anonymous feedback. And beyond feedback, there is a culture of accountability to feedback. Across various events or social groups, it is common to see detailed accounts of any instances of misconduct- who was involved, what happened, how the organizers failed, what steps are being taken to prevent future occurrences, and the steps being taken with those involved. This is so common that it’s easy to release shame about having done something bad and instead feel motivated to do better. 

Above all, when I’m around the men and women of this community, I feel deeply connected to an ethos that believes good exists in all beings, that there is too much misplaced societal shame, and we should create spaces that cultivate deeper looking, that teach us to love one another better, to find more joy in connection, and yeah- to feel maximum pleasure where it’s available. I see this group as brave, and Aella is definitely a figurehead, putting her authentic self out for all to see, and it’s true of her friends too. 

What I admire most about this group is how they radiate some combination of authenticity mixed with ethos driven by desire to do good AND, despite how risky the content makes it to, they step forward. Being around them, I feel more whole myself and I’m inspired to drink the metaphorical kool-aid.

I’m grateful to be inspired by witnessing their joy and freedom, their pleasure-filled faces after a super-hot make out session at the event they made happen. I’m proud to be affiliated with their creation even if someone wants to call me a slut as a slur. 

I loved the event, in all it’s contradiction, vulnerability, wholesomeness. 

Stay tuned for more reflections including:

• The surprising data on men not completing their boob-touching homework

• My soapbox of “contrived spaces” and how to experience realness everywhere

• Feeling heartbreak while flirting 

• And… The inaugural Strip Circling (™) experience that had people beating down the door to get in

when are masculine / feminine frames useful, and when not?  Language can bring us into more intimacy with reality, or separate us. It can help guide us, or obfuscate. How do we use "masculine" and "feminine" to be more intimate with the real (present), more honest, and more loving?

The 'masculine' and 'feminine' meaning-making about relationships annoys me often. Not so much when either is used by itself. These archetypes are powerful frames, better navigated in the light of consciousness. Both exist in me, along with a lot of other things.

I get the importance of biology too—"male and female" is what, like 2 billion years old? That's a lot of accumulated lineage karma in our DNA.

When it bugs me, it's not because its wrong or particularly fake—almost every parent that's not ideologically committed to a preconceived notion of gender notices some standard differences amongst young boys and young girls. Jack is so sensitive, but he also loves to pick up sticks and hit things. Ciça is so tough, but she also loves dolls and stuffed animals and her baby cousin Sanne. Jack doesn't really care about any of that stuff—Sanne is boring. Ciça lights up.

But I wonder if the heart of it is that I'm just scared of reifying black and white thinking. This kind of thinking seems to make people celebratory of killing or subjecting whoever the other tribe is. I can see that this frame—

• is often used to oversimplify
• often presents a false sense of control over a wildly chaotic world
• the categories are usually not clear, and often insulting, usually to the incredible women I know (like women are somehow less "rational" bc they're more "emotional"? This does not reflect the brilliant women and men I know, and literally all of the trans people I know are geniuses. Similar with intellectual/embodied, independence/connection, competition/harmony, etc)
• often pluralizes values instead of evaluating better and worse versions of any given polarity, or being willing to claim one side as being overall better. There is healthier and more toxic versions of chaos and order, for example.

I'm noticing the frame annoys me often as "masculine and feminine" in relationship, not so much when either is used by itself. That's interesting.

I realized after writing this another thing that bugs me is when they're taken too seriously. This isn't physics, and even then construct-awareness reveals reality entangled with the choice of how you look—I dont even mean quantum physics, I mean as literal as "what are you seeing right now from your eyes?" Whether it's light, or a screen, or atoms, or quarks, all depend on scale. Whether it's society, or the information age, or whatever, are all honest, accurate interpretations based on time, or purpose, or some other choice the subjective meaning-maker made in how to answer the question and engage/relate.

I guess I don't mind the frame so much as the assumption that it's somehow pre-existing rather than made and re-made. It is a well-worn groove, but ironically the self-help understanding of it is fairly new.

#masculinity 

Arun says I give myself bad report cards.

What does this mean?

• I'm afraid of being seen as stupid.
• I often say I'm retarded, and people will respond, "I think you're hiding in your humor."
• I didn't know what they meant until I realized I'm afraid of being seen as stupid. Joking about it is half embracing it. I really just got to allow myself to say whatever stupid shit comes to mind.

For my entire life, I listened to people tell me what being a man was and assumed I was doing it wrong and would never really get it right. There is likely a significant amount of intrinsic value in adopting masculine traits. Being more decisive is a gift to yourself and the people around you. But I only adopted more decisiveness because I believed women demanded it of me to be considered attractive. Masculinity just felt like WORK that I had to do to get women.

when are masculine / feminine frames useful, and when not?  Language can bring us into more intimacy with reality, or separate us. It can help guide us, or obfuscate. How do we use "masculine" and "feminine" to be more intimate with the real (present), more honest, and more loving?

The 'masculine' and 'feminine' meaning-making about relationships annoys me often. Not so much when either is used by itself. These archetypes are powerful frames, better navigated in the light of consciousness. Both exist in me, along with a lot of other things.

I get the importance of biology too—"male and female" is what, like 2 billion years old? That's a lot of accumulated lineage karma in our DNA.

When it bugs me, it's not because its wrong or particularly fake—almost every parent that's not ideologically committed to a preconceived notion of gender notices some standard differences amongst young boys and young girls. Jack is so sensitive, but he also loves to pick up sticks and hit things. Ciça is so tough, but she also loves dolls and stuffed animals and her baby cousin Sanne. Jack doesn't really care about any of that stuff—Sanne is boring. Ciça lights up.

But I wonder if the heart of it is that I'm just scared of reifying black and white thinking. This kind of thinking seems to make people celebratory of killing or subjecting whoever the other tribe is. I can see that this frame—

• is often used to oversimplify
• often presents a false sense of control over a wildly chaotic world
• the categories are usually not clear, and often insulting, usually to the incredible women I know (like women are somehow less "rational" bc they're more "emotional"? This does not reflect the brilliant women and men I know, and literally all of the trans people I know are geniuses. Similar with intellectual/embodied, independence/connection, competition/harmony, etc)
• often pluralizes values instead of evaluating better and worse versions of any given polarity, or being willing to claim one side as being overall better. There is healthier and more toxic versions of chaos and order, for example.

I'm noticing the frame annoys me often as "masculine and feminine" in relationship, not so much when either is used by itself. That's interesting.

I realized after writing this another thing that bugs me is when they're taken too seriously. This isn't physics, and even then construct-awareness reveals reality entangled with the choice of how you look—I dont even mean quantum physics, I mean as literal as "what are you seeing right now from your eyes?" Whether it's light, or a screen, or atoms, or quarks, all depend on scale. Whether it's society, or the information age, or whatever, are all honest, accurate interpretations based on time, or purpose, or some other choice the subjective meaning-maker made in how to answer the question and engage/relate.

I guess I don't mind the frame so much as the assumption that it's somehow pre-existing rather than made and re-made. It is a well-worn groove, but ironically the self-help understanding of it is fairly new.

#masculinity 

when are masculine / feminine frames useful, and when not?  Language can bring us into more intimacy with reality, or separate us. It can help guide us, or obfuscate. How do we use "masculine" and "feminine" to be more intimate with the real (present), more honest, and more loving?

The 'masculine' and 'feminine' meaning-making about relationships annoys me often. Not so much when either is used by itself. These archetypes are powerful frames, better navigated in the light of consciousness. Both exist in me, along with a lot of other things.

I get the importance of biology too—"male and female" is what, like 2 billion years old? That's a lot of accumulated lineage karma in our DNA.

When it bugs me, it's not because its wrong or particularly fake—almost every parent that's not ideologically committed to a preconceived notion of gender notices some standard differences amongst young boys and young girls. Jack is so sensitive, but he also loves to pick up sticks and hit things. Ciça is so tough, but she also loves dolls and stuffed animals and her baby cousin Sanne. Jack doesn't really care about any of that stuff—Sanne is boring. Ciça lights up.

But I wonder if the heart of it is that I'm just scared of reifying black and white thinking. This kind of thinking seems to make people celebratory of killing or subjecting whoever the other tribe is. I can see that this frame—

• is often used to oversimplify
• often presents a false sense of control over a wildly chaotic world
• the categories are usually not clear, and often insulting, usually to the incredible women I know (like women are somehow less "rational" bc they're more "emotional"? This does not reflect the brilliant women and men I know, and literally all of the trans people I know are geniuses. Similar with intellectual/embodied, independence/connection, competition/harmony, etc)
• often pluralizes values instead of evaluating better and worse versions of any given polarity, or being willing to claim one side as being overall better. There is healthier and more toxic versions of chaos and order, for example.

I'm noticing the frame annoys me often as "masculine and feminine" in relationship, not so much when either is used by itself. That's interesting.

I realized after writing this another thing that bugs me is when they're taken too seriously. This isn't physics, and even then construct-awareness reveals reality entangled with the choice of how you look—I dont even mean quantum physics, I mean as literal as "what are you seeing right now from your eyes?" Whether it's light, or a screen, or atoms, or quarks, all depend on scale. Whether it's society, or the information age, or whatever, are all honest, accurate interpretations based on time, or purpose, or some other choice the subjective meaning-maker made in how to answer the question and engage/relate.

I guess I don't mind the frame so much as the assumption that it's somehow pre-existing rather than made and re-made. It is a well-worn groove, but ironically the self-help understanding of it is fairly new.

#masculinity 

What men wish women understood about men. This has been trigger a lot LOLs and ROFLs in my group chats. It's obviously over-the-top dramatic with the music and tone and hyperbolic "10,000x" language but it did make me think how much "burden" is kept when you don't talk about things. I think that's the basic premise, woman share their burdens and men keep them to themselves. It certainly tracks for me.